Duke Nukem Forever Review

"It's Duke Nukem. What do you expect?"

So, I finally got around to playing Duke Nukem Forever. I was warned away from it by a number of people, and I listened to them and never played it. I saw a few YouTube videos of Duke throwing poop around a bathroom while Jon St. John cried out "what kinda suck fuck plays with wet feces" in protest, and that's all I cared about. "That's Duke Nukem for ya." Childish and stupid.

But I was at GameStop the other day, and I found a used copy for the XBOX 360 sitting in their 'under $10 bin.' They were asking for $3.99, or $3.59 with my discount. How could I pass this up? Even if the game is bad, four bucks is a great deal. Honestly, it can't be as good as the copy of Dragon Age: Origins I got from there for about a dollar more a few weeks ago, but I'd have paid full price for that game and loved it. Duke? Not so much.

So, what did I think about it? I thought it was Duke Nukem. That's all that matters to me with a Duke Nukem game. Is it childish, misogynistic, loud, stupid, over the top macho fantasy BS with tongue planted firmly in cheek the entire time? If the answer is yes, then the game has succeeded in capturing the spirit of Duke Nukem. Anything else is sort of secondary.

The gameplay is that of an average first person shooter. It's nothing special in that regard. Which is a shame, because after twelve years, they could have at least made good gameplay. Or failing that, cut down on the load times from hell that this game suffers from. The loading is Sonic 06 bad. But that's the only comparison I'd give it with that abomination.

Any complaints about it being an average game are legitimate. But to complain about how it's stuck in the mid to late nineties like many gamers and critics have is really missing the point of what Duke Nukem is. It's Duke Nukem. What do you expect? That's my only defense for the game. And I don't think it needs to be defended. If you're looking for Duke Nukem, this game delivers. It's a guilty pleasure all around. If you want a good game, play Duke Nukem 3D. If you've never played that, find the time for it, because it's a very good game, stupid or not. But if you want to play something stupid and offensive and have a good laugh at some horrible one liners stolen from Bruce Campbell, Duke Nukem Forever will do the trick very nicely.

And yes, I spent the first fifteen minutes with the game throwing poop around a bathroom and making Duke urinate in every urinal and toilet. But let's be honest, who didn't?

Hail to the king, baby.

Shitty Film Review - Las Vegas Blood Bath

There have only been a handful of times when I called a movie “the worst movie I’ve ever seen.” There are even fewer times when I honestly meant it. It has to be something truly awful – to the point where it dethrones the previous title holder. Las Vegas Bloodbath currently has that dubious honor. Let me put this into perspective – I seek out bad movies. I’ve seen Ax ‘Em. I’ve seen Manos: The Hands of Fate without Mystery Science Theater’s riffing (a bit of trivia – Manos is Spanish for hands. So, the actual title for that film is Hands: The Hands of Fate.) I sat through Superman 4, for Christ’s sake. And this is the worse than any of those.

There are movies out there worse than this that aren't Superman 3. Be afraid.

The movie stars a guy named Sam. Sam looks a lot like Nicolas Cage, so I will address him as such. Nic Cage catches his wife having sex with a cop, or a mall security guard, or a stripper in a police uniform. I don’t know which one and I honestly don’t care. We’re “lucky” enough to see the sex scene with the cop and the Whitesnake groupie that plays Nic Cage’s wife. He shoots the two of them in bed with the cop’s gun… A gun that wasn’t loaded with blanks. He just jerks the gun up a little to simulate recoil and a bang noise is edited in. At this point, any intelligent human being knows to turn off this dreck and watch Leaving Las Vegas instead. I soldier on. Why? Because I’m an idiot, that’s why.

Nicolas Cage's long lost twin? Or just a guy in a shitty movie? You decide!

So, Nic Cage picks up a hooker and proceeds to drink himself to death because I decided to watch Leaving Las Vegas anyway.

Watch this instead. It's really damn good. I swear.

When I’m done, I go back to Las Vegas Bloodbath and our Nic Cage look alike picks up a hooker in broad daylight (Really? It’s the middle of the day and street prostitution isn’t legal in Vegas or any other part of Nevada, so she’s running a real risk of getting arrested… I assume that this movie cares about details like that.) and she proceeds to give Rick Santoro directions to where they can get some alone time. We watch this for several minutes. Thankfully, there’s plenty of riveting dialogue where Castor Troy calls the hooker mean names and acts like a violent lunatic. Any smart street walker would get out of the car and run – heck, any incredibly stupid street walker would do the same. This one doesn’t, because this movie needs a body count, not intelligence. So, Big Daddy makes her kiss a mannequin head that we’re supposed to believe is his wife’s severed head, because the director thinks that people are stupid and/or blind enough to buy that cheap effect. He ties her leg to the bumper of his car and drives off, taking off her leg. Again, the effect is horrible. Whoever did the effects in this movie isn’t going to be Tom Savini, but all I’m asking for is a little competence, and do I get it? No. I get Las Vegas Bloodbath.

Watch Viva Las Vegas. It's really fun. I swear. Don't watch Las Vegas Bloodbath.

Next, Cameron Poe goes to a bar and shoots a bartender because… I don’t know. It’s really never explained, and I’m fine with this because an explanation would probably add a few minutes to the film’s running time. Later, he’s spying on a baby shower. Apparently the women at the shower are oil wrestlers, because this movie is about as classy as you’d expect a movie called Las Vegas Bloodbath to be.

It's not as classy as Nic Cage in a tuxedo, at least.

They turn on the TV to watch one of their matches where they roll around on garbage bags with other groupies for bands such as Great White, Warrant and Winger. Later, they order a pizza, play poker and whenever the pregnant girl isn’t there, they call her a whore. I’m not kidding you when I say that this takes up about half the movie. An endless stream of pointless, mindless banter from “actresses” who were likely paid with beer and pot later and FUCKING FINALLY, Charlie/Donald Kaufman comes in, ties them up, butchers and kills them. As for the pregnant girl, he rips out her fetus. Of course. What the hell did I expect?
 

Nicolas Cage approves of this grisly massacre.

Roll credits. My ordeal is over, but not before hearing a song called “Sammy Gets So Dirty” that was written for this movie, because Sam is a character who clearly needed his own theme song.

I can’t adequately describe how horrendous this movie is without actually showing clips, and I don’t want to subject anyone to that. It’s poorly written, horrendously acted, shot with a cheap home video camera and there’s about 40 or so minutes of morons at a baby shower. The only mercy that this movie has is that it’s only 78 minutes long, and it’s the last movie that writer/director David Schwartz ever made. Unfortunately, he made one before this called American Revenge. It has a slightly lower score on IMDB at the moment. This terrifies me.

I really don't know how to end this. I mean, what can I say? This movie is horrendous. Here's a gif image of Nicolas Cage looking as disgusted as I am about this sad excuse for a movie that dared to cast a guy who looked sort of like him as the lead.

Watch Vampire's Kiss. It actually has Nic Cage in it.

Video Game Review - Fatal Fury Special (Game Gear)

When I was a kid, I wanted a Sega Game Gear. It was like the Game Boy, but it had COLOR! Holy crap, so awesome! About a year ago, I bought a Game Gear at a flea market. It really isn’t that impressive. It’s bigger than the original Game Boy, it takes six AA batteries, and it drains them faster than the original Game Boy. The screen has to be tilted just right so you can see it. It’s worse than the original Game Boy Advance in that regard. And this might just be a problem with my particular unit, but I can’t turn the sound all the way off. The sound quality is also pretty awful. So, the Game Gear stinks.

But that’s not to say that it didn’t have some good games on it. The best game I’ve found for the Game Gear is Fatal Fury Special, which surprises me quite a bit. Handheld ports of fighting games are rarely very good, and it’s a very stripped down version of the game it’s a port of. It doesn’t have any endings, it’s missing characters, it doesn’t have the multi plane combat that made the Fatal Fury games famous, and it takes the

great soundtrack from the Neo Geo and Genesis games and butchers it. Though in fairness, it is a handheld game, so that’s to be expected. It’s also a lot better than the Super Nintendo version of the Fatal Fury games in that regard.

Terry Bogard's Burning Knuckle, or as Terry pronounces it in his trademark Engrish, Burr Nuckoo.

Seriously, the Genesis versions of the Fatal Fury games weren’t only better games in most regards, they sounded a lot better too. Wrap your head around that.

The game works very well on the Game Gear. The controls are very responsive, and even though it only has two buttons for attack, it makes due with what little it has.

If you’re a fan of fighting games and SNK games in particular, and you own a Game Gear, then this game is well worth checking out.

Score: 8/10

Video Game Review - Battle Hunter (Playstation)

This is a review I wrote for my other blog before I launched this one. I figured I'd put it up here as well considering that it fits in with the subject matter of this new blog.

Genre: Turn Based Strategy/Board Game

Release: 2001 

Developer: Success

Publisher: Agetec Inc.

Battle Hunter was marketed as an RPG, but it’s really not. It utilizes stats for the characters, but that’s really the only RPG element it has. It’s more similar to a board game. Your character has statistics for a handful of abilities – attack, defense, movement and HP, and the battles in the game are decided by cards and dice rolls.

The game puts you and three other characters (either controlled by the AI or other players) on a randomized board and tasks you to find a specific item in a random crate and then make your way to the exit. If another player gets the item, you have to stop them and take it from them before they can escape with it. There are AI monsters in the game as well, and they can be annoying, but the goal isn’t to fight them. They’re just obstacles.

The one thing that truly stands out in this game is the soundtrack. It’s very good, particularly the track Eyes in Minds (lThat's a link to the song on Youtube - give it a listen.). The character designs are quite good as well. They pack a lot of personality into each of the designs. So, hats off to the art and music teams for the game.

So, is Battle Hunter a great game? No. But it’s a good game, especially for the price you’ll pay for it. I got my copy for $10 at a used game store. You can probably get yours for about the same give or take a few bucks on eBay. It’s a bargain bin game, so don’t expect it to rock your world because it won’t. But it will likely entertain you for a little while. You’ll probably play it briefly every once in a while as well. And that’s worth $10, I think.

Score: 7/10 – Good

In conclusion, here's a picture of one of the game's characters. He looks like Michael Ironside raided Bruce Campbell's Burn Notice wardrobe.

Much like Chuck Finley, Sam Fisher is forever.

Video Game Review - Dick Tracy (Sega Genesis)

I never liked Dick Tracy. The comic was nonsensical and stupid but without much charm, the 1990 movie starring Warren Beatty and Madonna was absolute garbage. Also, the NES Dick Tracy game has a reputation for being almost unplayable. That reputation is deserved. But the Genesis version of the game is a minor classic on the console. I'm far from being a fan of the character, but this particular game is well worth playing.

Most of the gameplay is a side scroller. You shoot thugs that come at you (or punch them if they get close enough) by hitting the A button, but across the street, other thugs will open fire on you. You can mow them down with your Tommy gun by pressing the C button. You can also shoot parts of the scenery such as windows, street lamps and fire hydrants. This is actually fairly satisfying. You'll probably find yourself destroying pieces of destroyable scenery here simply because you can even if it doesn't benefit you in any way. But it's fun.

Other parts of the game include a driving sequence where Dick Tracy hangs off the side of a police car and shoots thugs in other cars. This is pretty fun as well, but not as much as the side scrolling part.

This game is very simple, so there's not much to say about it. The difficulty level might be a bit high for my tastes after the first boss fight, but the game is fun enough for me to look past that.

You can probably find the game for sale on eBay in the $10-$15 range.

Score: 8/10 - Great.