I live in Syracuse, New York, the hometown of the Baldwin family. They weren't born here - they're actually from Long Island, but they have strong ties to the community. Their mother lives here. She's sort of a hometown hero here with her breast cancer charity. She's kind of awesome. Anyway, the Baldwin brothers are frequently in town. My mother saw Stephen in a Wal-Mart and I think I saw him outside of a building in the city once. My former co-workers at the library I used to work at had Alec stop in to pick up some books for his mother. Nobody cares enough about Danny or Billy to bring up times they saw them. It's like bumping into Jim Belushi or Don Swayze. Nobody gives a shit about them.
"Oh, but Don Swayze was in a few episodes of True Blood!" Who cares. He's just an uglier version of Patrick Swayze.
"Oh, but Jim Belushi has a career!" Yeah, and he sucks and everyone knows it. His brother was a genius. Jim Belushi's just an unfunny douchebag.
"Oh, but Martin Sheen's brother, Joe Estavez is a better example of a celebrity sibling nobody cares about!" Yeah, but he doesn't even have the same name as his brother, so that joke would require more explanation that I'm willing to provide.
One time, their mother got Alec to do some commercials for a local grocery store. It's painfully obvious that Alec didn't want to be there, and he put no effort into it. Unfortunately, I can't find these ads on Youtube to show you how little Alec cares about grocery stores common folk buy their ham at.
Anyway, the story I wanted to tell is about me putting my foot firmly into my mouth. This happens to me a lot.
I was talking with my co-workers at the library I used to work at about celebrities with local ties to Syracuse. I started off by making fun of Tom Cruise (born in Syracuse) for being short and crazy, then went on to saying that I hated almost every movie with Richard Gere (his parents live here, and he has a house here) was ever in and made a crack about celebrity Buddhists who don't adhere to the teachings of Buddha when they aren't convenient. Also, a joke about how people in Syracuse probably assume that he's a Ninja or Karate master because he's a Buddhist, and Buddhism is Asian, and they all know martial arts or something. Don't let the college town status fool you, we aren't a smart city. If we were, then we wouldn't be such a shit hole, and we wouldn't worship college sports teams with cult like fervor. Anyway, I was getting some laughs from my co-workers out of this little tirade. I have to say that the librarians I know aren't stuck up prudes like the stereotype suggests. They're very fun people. But I digress. I went into a Baldwin joke. I think it was something like this...
"You know how you can tell the Baldwin's apart? Alec's a fat jerk, Stephen's a stupid jerk and nobody gives enough of a crap about Billy and Danny to even know if they're fat, stupid and/or jerkish. They probably are, though. After all, they're Baldwins."
My co-workers informed me afterwards that a regular patron who just left a minute prior to my Baldwin joke has some sort of family connection to them. I think it's that his brother is married to one of the Baldwin sisters. I narrowly avoided offending a guy's family and possibly having to apologize and act like I was sorry for calling the Baldwin brothers fat, stupid and/or jerks.
The point of this story is... I have no idea. Something about Alec Baldwin's Schweddy Balls, I guess?
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| "Nobody can resist Alec's Schweddy Balls." |
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